So.. this is sorta awkward for me, but I found this old email I wrote to my Psychiatrist back in 2009, and I thought maybe it would be a good little “behind the scenes” glimpse into the person (me) making this comic.
sorry i didnt reply for so long. truth is i didn’t know how i was feeling and im not doing anything with myself. i dont like living really. i dont feel suicidal but i have no drive to live a life. its very depressing the kind of life people have to live and i dont want to do it. sometimes im hopeful and happy. but thats never a full-day kind of feeling. i dont want to go back on meds because then i would have to participate in life and i dont want to. im not nearly as bad as i used to be. but i can feel this disgusting horror in my chest sometimes and i know that if i dwelled on it, or really let myself feel it, i would be back to square one. before i was always uncertain and thinking i was going crazy. now i think i just dont like life too much. sometimes i try to switch my thinking into positive stuff, but i also don’t really want to do that because i honestly dont think i want to be happy. i like being the victim or something.. .. but sometimes i want to be happy and i know i could be, but you have to have a stable existance, and to have a stable existance you have to have a job, and i’d have to move out of this house, and i would need a good paying job for that, which means i need to go to school, which means i need to get my license and a car. and i don’t even have the drive to call up a friend and see how they’re doing.. so .. everything seems like a huge effort and i dont even care to try.
i dont want to do anything to fix my situation. i just want to live this little non-existance im living. of course at some point i’ll change my mind about the whole thing, and everything i have to do in life wont seem like such a horrendous chore and i’ll be optimistic as hell.
i can’t seem to ever really feel depressed and sad. i just live in this in-between state where i dont have to be anything really. maybe i should be kicked out of my house and forced to start fending for myself. maybe my mother is just an enabler, but i know it drives her crazy, me not doing anything.
so im just trying to take things day by day because if i think about the future i hate everything. “
So there’s that.. Sorry about the lack of capitalization, I tend not to use them much when I’m writing. My comic is personal to my experience with depression and anxiety, but I thought I might see how it feels to get a little more personal with all you lovely strangers. ( Is it quite telling of me to say that my first instinct now is to start apologizing?)